"Now nobody get nervous, you ain't got nothing to fear."

"It’s like John Dilinger’s prick – for God’s sake there’s no f*cking end to it!"

This raised more questions than answers.

Via text message:

Me: Andy called, the touch screen at ______ keeps rebooting itself over and over again.

Boss: Kind of like machine masturbation?

Which just got me thinking... Like... if a machine *could*... what would the, *ahem*, end result be? What kind of gift would spew from the loins of a robot upon climax? *ponders*

There is no picture, because I am NOT about to do a google image search for this one.

[Edit-But I will-Jorge]

"I almost did. I could have shot razor blades out of my ass."

To Whom It May Concern.

Dear Blogger,

Thank you for being down for the last few days and then callously wiping out the last couple brilliant posts that were once here. But all will be forgiven if you can please restore them. Thank you.

Some Passive Aggressive Guy.

What is this I don't even

"Are you kidding me? We're slicker than shit on a glass doorknob!"

Unsolicited Car In Anus

[British Accent]

Boss: "Don't tarry too long at the stop sign love, else you might accidentally get rear-ended."

Me: "My dear, rear-endings are rarely accidental."

Seriously. He's on a health food kick right now.

"No no no no no. NO. You do NOT want to be in my bed. I fart all night long."

I don't even... I... No.

"I'm more popular than a two-peckered billy goat during mating season."