"Now nobody get nervous, you ain't got nothing to fear."

"It’s like John Dilinger’s prick – for God’s sake there’s no f*cking end to it!"

This raised more questions than answers.

Via text message:

Me: Andy called, the touch screen at ______ keeps rebooting itself over and over again.

Boss: Kind of like machine masturbation?

Which just got me thinking... Like... if a machine *could*... what would the, *ahem*, end result be? What kind of gift would spew from the loins of a robot upon climax? *ponders*

There is no picture, because I am NOT about to do a google image search for this one.

[Edit-But I will-Jorge]

"I almost did. I could have shot razor blades out of my ass."

To Whom It May Concern.

Dear Blogger,

Thank you for being down for the last few days and then callously wiping out the last couple brilliant posts that were once here. But all will be forgiven if you can please restore them. Thank you.

Some Passive Aggressive Guy.

What is this I don't even

"Are you kidding me? We're slicker than shit on a glass doorknob!"

Unsolicited Car In Anus

[British Accent]

Boss: "Don't tarry too long at the stop sign love, else you might accidentally get rear-ended."

Me: "My dear, rear-endings are rarely accidental."

Seriously. He's on a health food kick right now.

"No no no no no. NO. You do NOT want to be in my bed. I fart all night long."

I don't even... I... No.

"I'm more popular than a two-peckered billy goat during mating season."

Sometimes, I get him back.

Boss: "Where is it? Where's my little thingy?"

Me: "IN YOUR PANTS!"

Hey - I was rather proud.

Sometimes he's reeeally lucky he's one of my best friends.

“She’s a little unruly lately. You know, if I don’t give her her 4 o’clock spanking, watch out - because by 5 o’clock, she’s completely out of control.”

To be fair, most of the time I probably deserve it.

Sounds like a sticky situation.

I texted him to let him know I was stuck in the clusterf*ck of construction traffic outside our store on the way to the bank.

His response: "It's like double penetration after a pancake breakfast!"

A facepalm moment.

"I can't see today. It just started last week. I actually have to wear my glasses."

"What'd your doctor say? You have cataracts?"

(Asian Accent) "Oooh I have a Cadirrac and a Rincoln Continental."

I have absolutely no idea what this was about.

"It's like a whole new kind of P.O.W. - Pussy On Wheels!"

I'll bet it was pea soup green, too.

"How'd you sleep last night?"

"Like a baby. I pissed my pants, woke up, played with my toys, shit in my pants and went back to sleep."

What else needs washing, I wonder?

"I told that girl that's staying with me that she needs to come back already. My damn floors need washing."

Only a slight chance?

When asked what the weather was like this week: "Sunny and 82 on Wednesday, sunny and 85 on Thursday, sunny and 86 on Friday, and on Saturday I think we're looking at lots of sun, 88 degrees with a slight chance of orgasm."

Gee, thanks boss.

I was being complimented by one of our "regulars" and my boss turns and looks at me and says, "Isn't she beautiful? She's got the face of an angel and the disposition of a raging bitch."